This Is Their Story, Part 1
by athenany
Summary: It's Christmas and Rafael Barba finds himself unexpectedly alone. He seeks the company of his good friend Olivia and her son and things take an unexpected and confusing turn. No huge deviations from canon except for the obvious #Barson pairing.
1. Chapter 1

This Is Their Story: Part 1

" _We can hardly stand the wait, please Christmas don't be late!"_

The Chipmunks' Christmas song blared through the breakroom as the SVU squad sat around the table sipping red wine and munching on Christmas cookies.

"Rollins, why are you making us listen to this corny music?" asked Carisi, shaking his head.

"Because it wouldn't be Christmas without the chipmunks!" she said. "This song is a classic!"

Fin rolled his eyes. "I can't decide if this is the lamest Christmas party I have ever been to, or the best."

"How so?" asked Carisi.

"Sitting around listening to Rollins's crappy playlist and drinking cheap wine with you three isn't exactly the hottest ticket going. Then again… there aren't that many more people I would want to be around."

Benson sighed as Rollins through a rolled-up napkin at her partner. "It would be nice if some of the old faces were here. But then again, this is kind of nice itself; just us. What is everyone's plan for once we're out of here?"

"Christmas Eve tonight at my mom's house," said Carisi. "Rollins and Jessie are coming. My mom flipped out when she heard they were going to be alone."

"I'm spending it with my son and his family. Looking forward to that; it's been awhile. What about you, Liv?" asked Fin.

"Hot date," she said, winking. "Noah and I are having his favorite Christmas dinner – pizza delivered to our door. But in my defense, we _are_ going to bake cookies for Santa."

"I think that sounds nice," said Rollins, smiling and resting her hand on Liv's shoulder. She could relate, having spent several holidays of her own just her and Jessie.

"On that note, we really should get going. Mama Carisi will never forgive me if I'm not there in time to carve the bird, and we still have to pick up Princess J."

"All right, let's go. Merry Christmas you guys!" As they left in a hurry, Fin and Olivia split the remainder of the wine.

"Those two make me a little nervous," said Fin. "Love'em both, and I'm glad they have each other and everything. But I don't think you need to be part of an elite detective squad to pick up on the fact that their feelings for each other go a little deeper than friendship."

"I think they're the only two who are oblivious to it," said Olivia, nodding in agreement.

"And I'd be all for it. I love Amanda like a daughter, and Carisi is one of the few guys I can honestly say would be good enough for her. But it could get tricky. If they're a couple, it could make things really complicated here."

"Everything we do is complicated," said Olivia, polishing off the rest of her wine and putting on her coat. "But point taken. Let's just keep an eye on things for now. I don't want to embarrass them, especially if nothing's going on. And on that note, I have to head home to Noah. I hope you have a blast with Ken and Alejandro."

"Thanks, and you take care of yourself this weekend. Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, Fin."

Back at her apartment, Olivia settled into some cozy sweatpants and, at Noah's insistence, changed him into his Christmas pajamas. Olivia ordered the pizza and then turned to Noah.

"Pizza is on the way. What do you say we start getting the kitchen ready to bake our cookies?"

"Yayyyy!" said Noah, charging into the kitchen. Olivia laughed and started to follow him when she heard her phone vibrating.

"Please, not tonight," she murmured as she fumbled around the coffee table for it. All she wanted was one quiet, peaceful Christmas night.

"Benson," she said when she had found it, hoping her tone conveyed her exasperation at being interrupted.

"Liv, it's me."

"Oh!" She smiled. "Merry Christmas, Raf! Sorry for my tone but I was really afraid this was a work call." Then she paused. "It's not, is it?"

"No, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I must be interrupting you."

"Nah, we're just about to start baking Christmas cookies. Hey, we missed you at the SVU Christmas party today."

"I was sorry to miss it, too. Things have been pretty hectic here, but I'm finally getting out."

"Are you going to your mom's for Christmas?" Olivia asked. She was getting concerned about the state of the kitchen, hearing Noah's clattering and thumping in the background.

"That was the plan, but she is stuck in Florida. Her flight was canceled so she's just going to reschedule and spend Christmas with my aunt down there. No big deal though, I can catch up on some work."

Olivia sighed. "Rafa, don't be an idiot. If you don't have any plans, come spend Christmas Eve with us. Noah requested pizza, but we will have homemade Christmas cookies. And once Noah goes to bed, I have it on good authority that there's a bottle of scotch under the tree with your name on it."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, I was going to give it to you at the party but…"

"No, I mean you seriously don't mind if I crash your Christmas celebration with Noah?" He sounded hesitant and Olivia wondered if she had said something wrong.

"Of course not, as long as you don't mind getting a little messy. I just peeked in the kitchen and Noah has disappeared into a cloud of flour."

Rafael laughed. "I think I can handle it. Okay, I'll see you in half an hour or so. Thanks Liv, really."

When Olivia hung up she joined Noah in the kitchen. Noah was fiddling around with a Christmas playlist on her tablet, and put on the Chipmunks Christmas song. As the notes filled the room, she looked down at him. "Noah, did Aunt Amanda teach you this song?"

"She loves this song, Mommy. It's the Chipmunks."

"I'm going to have to talk to her when I get back to work," said Olivia with a laugh. As she took the ingredients down from the shelves that were out of his reach, she asked him, "Honey, how would you like it if Uncle Rafa came over and helped us make Christmas cookies?"

"Yes! I want him to come. Actually, I made him a present at school."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "You did? What did you make him?"

"Well I can't tell _you_ ," he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I want it to be a surprise."

About twenty minutes later, as the first batch of cookies was going into the oven, the doorbell rang. "That's either Uncle Rafa or the pizza," said Olivia. "Why don't you put out some plates and I'll go check."

Olivia opened the door and Barba was there holding the pizza, smiling. "The pizza guy and I arrived at the same time, so I paid him for you."

"You didn't have to do that," she said, opening the door wider so he could come in.

"And you didn't have to invite me to your family dinner. It's the least I could do."

"Noah, I was right. It was Uncle Rafa _and_ the pizza!" called Olivia, as they entered the dining area. Noah came over and fist-bumped him. Barba looked at Olivia, confused. "That's his thing now," she said with a shrug.

"Merry Christmas buddy! I'm so glad to be able to spend Christmas Eve with you. And I heard there might be cookies. Can I have some, or are they all for Santa?"

"You can have some," Noah said, seriously. "But first we have to eat dinner."

"Of course. Dinner before treats," said Barba in an equally serious voice. Olivia smiled, taking his coat and hanging it in the coat closet.

Dinner was festive, despite the lack of traditional holiday trimmings. Olivia and Rafael took turns switching out batches of cookies as each one was finished, and when they were all done they moved into the living room. Noah played with his toy police car while Olivia and Rafael settled into the couch with cookies and decaf. They chatted about how crazy the past year had been until they realized that Noah had gone quiet. When they turned they realized he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching them.

"Noah, is everything okay?" asked Olivia, setting down her coffee mug.

"Yes," he said, "But I need to ask you a question."

"Of course, go right ahead," said Olivia. She glanced at Rafael, feeling a little concerned.

Noah glanced back and forth between them. "Are you two gonna get married?"

Next to her, Olivia heard Rafael choke on his coffee. She felt her own face turning red. "What? Oh gosh, Noah, what would make you ask that?"

"Well, remember when I slept over my friend Michael's house that time? That's what his parents do at night, after dinner. They drink coffee together and laugh. I thought that's what moms and dads do together. You know, married people."

Olivia turned to Rafael in astonishment, but his face was buried in his hands. Getting no help there, she turned back to Noah. "Sweetie, lots of people have coffee and laugh. Aunt Amanda and I have coffee and laugh every day at work, and we're not getting married."

Noah rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Forget it." He looked irritated, and Olivia wasn't sure what to say. "Don't be mad."

"Oh sweetie, I'm not mad at all. You can ask me anything you want."

Rafael stood up quickly and seemed to want to change the subject. "At my house it was a tradition that I could open one present on Christmas Eve, after we went to Midnight Mass. So, if your mom doesn't mind, I have one now you can open."

"Thanks Uncle Rafa!" said Noah, as Rafael pulled out a brightly wrapped package. Noah tore into it and removed a little tablet.

"This is a special tablet," said Rafael, crouching down next to him. "It's not like Mommy's where you can go on websites and send emails. This one only has games, and the games are to help you learn Spanish! Then you and I can have secret conversations and your mom won't know what we're saying."

"You know Raf, I do speak Spanish," said Olivia, shaking her head.

"Ehhhh, I've heard you speak it. I'd say that's debatable."

She punched him lightly on the arm. Noah was tearing at the corner of the box. "Thank you, thank you!" He said. Rafael shook his head.

"I think you mean, _gracias."_ Noah nodded in agreement.

"Yes, _gracias._ I can't wait to have a secret language! Oh, I forgot, I made something for you." He trotted into his room and came out with a sheet of construction paper. He handed it to Rafael, who seemed confused. Olivia leaned over his shoulder.

The drawing featured a cluster of stick figures with looks of wide-eyed shock on their face. Someone that looked like a childish drawing of a vampire hovered over them, his stick-arms raised menacingly. The vampire and the crowd were separated by what looked by a table. In the corner of the drawing was a wreath.

"Noah, this is great. Can you… can you tell me about it?" asked Rafael.

"Mommy told me that people are scared of you in court. So, you're the vampire and those are the people in court who are scared of you. Only the teacher said it had to be a Christmas picture, so I drew a wreath."

Olivia and Rafael burst out laughing and he knelt and gave Noah a big hug. "It's the best picture of me I've ever seen. This is going up in my office for sure, as soon as I get back."

Noah looked extremely proud of his handiwork. Olivia wiped her eyes and composed herself. "Okay Noah, if Santa is ever going to come you're going to need to get to bed. Say goodnight to Uncle Raf and brush your teeth and I'll come in to tuck you in."

When Noah was safely in bed, Olivia grabbed the gift bag from under the tree. "Feliz Navidad," she said, presenting him with the bottle of scotch.

"My favorite," he said, smiling. "Shall we break it open?"

"Mmm, let's stick with wine. Scotch will knock me out and I have, shall we say, a full morning tomorrow."

"Fair enough," said Rafael, popping the bottle of Pinot Noir they had opened during dinner and refilling two glasses. "You know, I don't say this enough, but you have done an amazing job with Noah. He's smart, he's adorable, and most importantly he is a good kid. You're a great mom."

"Well it takes a village, and I have a great one," said Liv, clinking his glass. He smiled and leaned back on the couch. They're eyes met for a beat longer than usual, but Rafael broke it and reached for the remote.

"What do you say we look for a Christmas movie on TV?" he asked. "It wouldn't be Christmas without a black and white movie."

"Oh, Miracle on 34th Street is on!" said Olivia. "That was one of my favorites as a kid."

"Me too," said Rafael, as he switched to it and set down the remote. "Believe it or not, it was the first movie I saw that made me want to be a lawyer."

"You wanted to be like Mr. Gailey? Rescuing Santa Claus and single moms alike?" she teased.

"No, I wanted to be the prosecutor. That man was clearly unfit to be out in society. He assaulted a doctor with his cane! Plus, I always loved the line toward the end. 'Your Honor, the State of New York concedes the existence of Santa Claus.'"

"You would never have conceded," said Olivia.

"Hell no. That guy folded like a house of cards. I would have had Kris Kringle convicted of the Kennedy assassination before that trial was over."

"Well that's a fresh take on a classic!" said Olivia, with a laugh.

The two of them settled into the movie and silently sipped wine as it proceeded. Olivia felt a strange feeling, one she hadn't felt in a long time. It reminded her of some of the long nights at the precinct that she used to spend with Elliot: a familiarity, an intimacy, but different somehow. With Elliot, as close as they had been, there was an unspoken but very real distance born of necessity – he was a married man. He had a wife and children. It didn't matter how close they were. And they had been close. She would willingly have taken a bullet for him. Someone else would always come first. She hadn't begrudged him that, but it was an undeniable fact.

She didn't feel that barrier with Rafael. She had been wary at first, but for a different reason. He had a wall around him, an image that he had constructed of the fearless courtroom dramatist. Most people didn't even attempt to get by that image; after all, it was all they really required of him. When he finally opened up to her as a friend, she felt that she had won some intangible victory. With Elliot, all his emotions were out there on the table; he could hardly keep his feelings contained. Rafael never revealed his emotional side in public. The courtroom was for theatrics. The real Rafael Barba, the caring friend, the willing listener, the calm voice of reason… that was a reserved for a select few and it made her feel strangely honored that she was among them.

The warm apartment, the smooth wine, the smell of pine needles and Christmas cookies, and the familiar strains of the movie coming from the television put Olivia in a trance-like state of relaxation, and before she knew what was happening she was falling asleep.

Some time later, Olivia lifted her head. The television was still on, but it was tuned to a cable news channel and muted. She rubbed her eyes, confused. The room was dark except for the flickering of the news program. Why was she asleep in the living room?

"Hey, you're up," said Barba. She jerked her head up and realized she was asleep essentially on top of him. He was sitting up, reading a copy of the _New Yorker_ and she was laying down with her head on his chest and her feet slung over the side of the couch.

"Oh my God," she said, sitting up. "I'm so sorry. Why didn't you move me?"

He smiled. "You looked so comfortable, I couldn't bring myself to move you."

She glanced down. "I drooled on you."

"Yeah. That was… interesting. You were really out cold."

"Oh my Lord, I am so mortified," she said lowering her head to her knees and covering her face with her hands.

"Olivia, stop it," he said, taking her hand and pulling her up. "Do you realize how much you do? You oversee one of the most high-stress, high-profile units in the entire New York City Police Department. You are a tireless advocate for victims. You investigate the darkest corners of our society day in and day out. And you do this all while raising a son as a single mom. You're amazing. It's okay if you fall asleep on me. It's not like this is cashmere. This is the shirt I don't mind if I get flour on."

Olivia laughed out loud, and was momentarily distracted from the fact that Rafael was still holding her hand. They both realized at the same time that their hands remained laced together, and they glanced at each other but neither pulled away. His hand was soft, Olivia realized. And she had never really looked at his fingernails before. They were jagged; he must be a nail-biter. How had she never noticed that? And why were these inane thoughts going through her mind? And why was she still holding his hand?

She looked up at him again, trying to think of a wisecrack to break the tension of the moment. But before she could say anything, Rafael leaned over, rested his free hand on the side of her face, and kissed her.

Olivia's mind was racing. Her first thought was how _good_ it felt to be kissing someone. She had not kissed a man since she had ended things with Tucker. Rafael's lips were gentle yet insistent, and before she knew it she was running her hand through his soft, brown hair and her other hand was gliding along his upper arm. For several minutes they continued in this way until another thought hit her like a thunderclap. This was ADA Rafael Barba. She was sitting on her couch making out with the ADA assigned to her unit. A walking, breathing conflict of interest. But God, he was a sexy conflict of interest.

She forced herself to stop kissing him and broke away, breathing shakily. He was breathing audibly, too. In fact, their breathing was the only sound in the apartment. It felt like the only sound anywhere. With the muted television, Noah fast asleep, and the soft blanket of quiet that settled on New York City on the night before Christmas, they might as well have been alone in the world.

"Raf…" she began. But not knowing how to continue, she simply stopped. Their hands were linked again.

"I'm, I… I'm so sorry, Liv," said Rafael, his eyes locked on hers. She had known how intense his eyes were; she had seen them sparkling with passion during particularly impassioned closing statements or cross-examinations. But it had never occurred to her that they could look at _her_ that way. Or had they been looking at her that way all along and she had just been too blind to see it?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "Don't be sorry. It takes two to tango and I wasn't… That is, I didn't tell you…"

He nodded. "Yes, but I should have known better than to initiate anything. I'm really sorry."

"Don't be," she said. After a moment of silence, she laughed lightly and shook her head. "Jesus, you're a good kisser. Where the hell did that come from?"

"Practice," he said, smiling mischievously. Then he glanced at the time emanating from the digital clock on the end table. "Listen, I should probably get going. I don't think Santa is going to come with me hanging around. It's late."

"Yeah, I guess so," said Olivia, still feeling slightly dazed.

Several silent moments went by, and Rafael tilted his head downward. "You're still holding my hands."

Olivia dropped them as if they were on fire, and they both broke out into nervous laughter.

Rafael stood up and collected his coat, the gift bag, and Noah's drawing. Olivia walked with him to the door. At the threshold she grabbed his arm.

"So, what do we do? Did it happen? Did it not happen? Do we just pretend…"

He smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "Liv, it's Christmas. Get some sleep. We both need to… cool off a little."

"Yeah, I guess we do," she said. "Well, good night Raf."

"Good night, Liv. Merry Christmas. We'll talk soon." He started down the hall and Olivia closed and locked the door. Then she leaned against it and slid to the floor.

"Fuck," she said out loud. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Olivia wasn't much for swearing, but it was the only word that seemed to adequately capture her feelings at the moment. She made a dive for the bottle of Pinot Noir but there was not a drop left. The only alcohol remaining in the house was a bottle of Peach Schnapps left over from a cocktail party four years ago, and she wasn't feeling quite that desperate. She reached for her phone; she wanted to call someone, scream in someone's ear that she had just made out with _Rafael Barba_ but there was no one to call. When she needed to vent about something, she called him! "I need a female friend," she said out loud. She had Amanda, but confiding in her was out of the question. At least, it was out of the question for the moment. Frustrated she slammed her phone down on the cushion next to her. It was still warm from Rafael's presence. She could still smell his cologne hovering in the air next to her, taste the wine on his breath as they kissed. In fact, his absence felt loud and pervasive after the intensity of their kiss. It was a few minutes before Olivia realized she was pacing. With what? Anxiety? Nerves? Sexual frustration?

"Fuck," she said again, whispering this time in case Noah could hear her. Then she shoved one last snowman cookie in her mouth and then took a deep breath and started to dig Christmas presents out of the linen closet. She wasn't going to get anything settled tonight. Maybe things would be clearer in the light of day.

In the meanwhile, there was a little boy expecting Santa to come, and he couldn't be disappointed!


	2. Chapter 2

This Is Their Story, Part 2

It was early Christmas morning, and Rafael Barba wanted to kiss Olivia Benson. And it was not the first time he'd felt that way.

The first time Rafael had wanted to kiss Olivia had come at a strange and hectic time for them both. It was shortly after he had confronted his childhood friend, Alex Munoz, about the sex scandal that would ultimately derail his mayoral campaign. He remembered sitting at the bar with Olivia and Nick Amaro, watching Alex's indignant press conference in which he had specifically called him out as a stooge of the establishment. Rafael had never much liked Amaro; he had always felt that Amaro could read him a little more easily than he would have liked. By the time the Munoz episode was drawing to a close the two had developed a grudging respect for each other as professionals, but there was an undercurrent of distrust.

When Amaro had left the bar, he and Olivia had ordered another round of drinks. Rafael watched the muted press conference. The eyes of the world were focused on Alex, but Rafael was only looking at Yelina. To the city and the public, she was now the next in a long line of disgraced political wives, an object of pity and perhaps scorn. To Rafael, she was his first love. The woman he had held out hope would be waiting for him when he came back from Harvard, only to find that she had moved on to his best friend.

Watching Yelina stand by her unworthy husband's side, Rafael felt the same mixture of resentment and betrayal that had caused him to distance himself from the couple in the first place. And as it had then, it made him want to be with another woman, to force the memory of Yelina's betrayal, however distant, from his mind.

And with that he had turned to Olivia and looked at her in a different way. She was highly competent, intelligent, and quick-witted. He loved working with a woman who could verbally spar with him, who gave as well as she received. And while he had always objectively known that she was an attractive woman, he had never really considered her in that particular light. She was a coworker, and Rafael was a consummate professional.

But that day, with his emotions running high, the sight of Olivia Benson perched on a chair, sipping a whisky sour and watching Alex Munoz's speech disapprovingly, he felt an undeniable pang. They were sitting so close together; all it would take was a careless brush of the hand and they would be touching. She was in his corner; after days of being isolated and criticized by Amaro, by Alex and Yelina, by his boss, by the press, by clergy members, even by his own mother, it felt good to have someone so strong in his corner. He thought about it. He took a deep breath and braced himself to make the move, but something stopped him. Even through the whisky-haze, he knew this was not right. He was in a bad place, and he would jeopardize a very productive working relationship in a moment of weakness. So, he squeezed his glass and kept his eyes on the television screen.

That day ended like any other rough work day, with Rafael alone in his apartment with a pile of paperwork. But even though Olivia probably couldn't tell, he felt his relationship with her had never been the same. Every time she came into a room he was in, he was hyper-aware of her presence. He found himself subtly looking for her in court, or finding work reasons to call her when an email or text really would have done the trick.

Most troublingly of all, Rafael found himself talking about her. He couldn't help it. He thought of her so frequently that before he knew it he was finding ways to slip her into conversations simply for the pleasure of remembering some snippet of a conversation they had shared or some clever trick she had pulled on an unsuspecting perp.

His mother was the first one to point this out during a Sunday night dinner in the Bronx. "Rafi, you seem to talk a lot about this woman Olivia."

"Do I?" he asked, feeling his face turn red and silently berating himself. "That's odd."

Lucia Barba rolled her eyes. "Yes, it is _odd._ Is she married?"

"Married? Um, no, she's not. But it's not like that at all, _Mami_. She's a coworker."

"I gathered as much from each of the 100 times you have mentioned her over the phone. Do you spend time with her outside of work?"

"Sometimes," he said. "But not often. Anyway, how are things going with…?"

"I worry about you, _mijo_. You spend too much time alone. You need a woman in your life. Someone to loosen you up a little bit. You have always been too serious. This Olivia, why don't you ask her out? Take her to dinner?"

"Because, Mother, things are not like that between us. She would be shocked if I asked her on a date, and not in a good way."

"Nonsense. Any woman would be lucky to have you, sweetie."

At that moment, Rafael wished there were a trap door on the floor that he could open and fall into. From then on, he made it a point never to mention Olivia in conversation with his mother. It took some effort, but he succeeded.

There were other moments when the desire to kiss Olivia had been so close to the surface he almost couldn't help but lean over and just do it. After big cases, after his grandmother died and she had been so comforting and supportive. And of course, after Noah was found. When he had gone to her apartment to visit with her after the trauma of Noah's disappearance and the joy of his return, it had taken all his willpower not to lean over and kiss her. What stopped him was the (thankfully quick) realization that the timing was unthinkably bad. She had bigger things to worry about at the moment. He was even more relieved that he hadn't done anything when he entered the apartment and realized that the entire Special Victims Unit was gathered in Olivia's living room. That would have been one for the ages.

And now here it was, Christmas night, and he was watching Miracle on 34th Street while Olivia snored on his chest. This was the woman that had evolved from a coworker and sometimes antagonist to a friend, and now a good friend. If he was honest with himself, he would have to admit she was his _best_ friend. He rested his hand on her hair momentarily as she slept, and then lifted it. This was all a bit awkward. There was no real way for him to avoid putting his hand on her, given the position. Finally, he picked up a magazine and held it, leaning it on her a bit, so as not to be touching her unnecessarily when she woke up.

Her embarrassment upon waking up and realizing that she had been sleeping (and yes, drooling) on his chest had been endearing and touching. He had done his best to reassure her that he didn't mind. And yet after all those heated moments, all those near-misses, he had chosen that instant to kiss her. Now, in this most domestic and un-romantic of settings.

She had responded; there was no doubt about that. But they had left things tentative and unsettled. Rafael had spent Christmas day alone in his apartment, ruminating on whether he should send her a message. He decided against it. It seemed too pushy, too insistent. So, he had spent the day alone, eating Chinese takeout, sipping the scotch she had bought him, and watching reruns on television.

Now the holidays were over, it was back to the daily routine, and Olivia Benson was an unavoidable part of that routine. He had no idea how to handle the situation and so he decided the best thing to do would be to rip the band-aid off. He went to the precinct first thing in the morning.

It was quiet, and threadbare Christmas decorations still occupied the walls and desktops. Fin, Rollins and Carisi were hunched over Rollins's computer, looking at something. They all glanced up when he came in.

"Counselor!" said Carisi. "Merry Christmas, sort of. We missed you at our party."

"Yes, I was sorry to miss it. Um, is Lieutenant Benson here?" Rafael could have kicked himself already. That had come out ridiculously formal. Rollins frowned slightly but no one else seemed to notice.

"Actually, she's not here yet," said Rollins. "She's running a little late this morning, but I'm sure she'll be in soon."

"Oh. Well, that's fine," said Rafael, glancing around uneasily.

"Is there something one of us can help you with in the meanwhile?" Rollins pressed, looking concerned.

"What?" he asked, startled. "Oh. No, nothing, thank you. I mean, actually, yes, there is," he said. He hated himself for what he was about to do, but suddenly he felt desperate and had no other choice. "Detective Carisi, are you busy? That is, do you have a couple of minutes to spare?"

By this point, all three of the officers looked pretty confused. Carisi shrugged. "Of course. Want to go grab a cup of coffee?"

"Yes, that would be great," said Rafael.

"Bring me one back!" Rollins called. "Venti, no foam."

"Yeah, yeah," said Carisi. Fin merely rolled his eyes and returned to his desk.

At the coffee shop, Carisi sat across from Rafael and spread his arms wide. "So, what's the story, Counselor?"

Rafael took a sip of his espresso and sighed. "I can't begin to tell you how much this pains me, but I need your help."

Immediately, Carisi's expression switched from puzzled to worried. "Have you been getting any more threats? We can get the security detail back for you. Just say the word."

"No, no, it's nothing like that. I guess what I mean is that I need your advice."

After a moment, Carisi broke into a smile. He sat back in his chair and sipped his coffee. "I knew it. I knew this day would come."

"You did?" Rafael's heart sank. He couldn't bear to think that he was the source of gossip and speculation, even among his friends.

"Of course I did. At last, there is a legal question that is too complex even for the brilliant Rafael Barba, and he requires my expert legal opinion to unravel it. Come on, hit me! I miss that part of law school, you know? Sinking my teeth into a really tricky problem."

Rafael sighed. "Carisi… no. It's not a legal question either."

Carisi set his coffee down. "Then I give up. What's the deal, Barba?"

"This conversation can only happen with the understanding that it stays entirely between us. One hundred percent confidential."

"Well of course."

"You can speak of this to no one. Not even Rollins."

Carisi looked slightly uneasy, but he nodded. "Okay, you have my word. Now I'm dying here, Barba. You've gotta spill."

"Okay. I spent Christmas Eve with Olivia. My mother's flight was canceled, and I called to complain, and she invited me over."

"That's a shame, but I'm glad you got to spend Christmas with a friend," said Carisi, looking a bit lost.

"Yes, well, that's what I thought. We had a fun dinner together, and after Noah went to bed we watched a movie. One thing led to another and… I kissed her."

Carisi choked on his coffee so hard he sprayed some of it across the table. Rafael shook his head and dusted drops of coffee off his coat sleeve. "Honestly, Detective. This is cashmere."

"I'm sorry," said Carisi, grabbing a napkin and wiping the table down. "I just… I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that. You kissed the lieutenant! I… what did she say? How did she react?"

Rafael felt his face turning red. "Well, she didn't slap me in the face, if that's what you're asking. She was… confused. Surprised."

"Did she kiss you back?"

Rafael closed his eyes. "Is that relevant?"

"Highly relevant, counselor. Immense probative value."

"Yes, she did."

Carisi was laughing so hard at this point that he had to put his face in his hands. Rafael deeply regretted that he had brought this up, but at this point there was no going back.

"Look, I didn't bring you here to mock me or to give you your morning chuckle. It pains me to say this, but I don't have a lot of guys that I can talk to about these kinds of things. It's pretty much you and Fin at this point. And I need some advice, badly."

"So why not ask Fin? He's known Liv way longer than I have."

"That's true. But, oddly, I feel more able to talk to you. I don't know, maybe it _is_ the lawyer thing. I guess my real question is, what do you think I should do? Do you think it's best if I just pretend it never happened? Or should I bring it up and say it was a mistake and that we should put it behind us? Or…?"

"Or what?" asked Carisi.

Rafael sighed. "You see, that's where the aforementioned advice would come into play."

"Right," said Carisi, nodding. He leaned back in the chair, folding his arms and thinking. "Well, what would you do if this were some other woman?"

"But it's not some other woman. That's the problem. It's more… complicated."

"Okay, but humor me. Let's say there was no professional relationship between you and Liv. What would you want to do?"

Rafael shook his head and didn't answer.

"If you want my help you're going to have to work with me. I'm not trying to trick you or anything. Forget what you _should_ do. What do you _want_ to do?"

"The truth?" asked Rafael. "The truth is, I haven't felt this way in a long time. I didn't even know I had it in me to feel this way again. I'm mad at myself for acting without thinking, but at the same time it was more than just a whim."

"So then tell her that!" said Carisi, smacking the table. "Look, there are always complications and difficult circumstances in life. But before you write something off you should at least know if it has any chance to begin with. Tell her what you're feeling. Or at least, give her the opportunity to see if she feels the same way."

"So you're saying I should… what?"

"Talk to her. Whatever you do, don't pretend it didn't happen. I'm not saying you have to get down on one knee and profess your undying love. But make sure she knows it wasn't like, some one-off thing. Don't you feel like you'll regret it if you don't try?"

Rafael nodded. "Yes, I guess you're right. Now I just need to figure out when and how."

"My advice, since you did ask? Don't let it hang out there for too long. When there's a thing, the longer you go without bringing it up, the weirder it gets to suddenly make a big deal out of it. Believe me."

Rafael glanced up. "Personal experience?"

Carisi laughed. "You might say that."

"Well, we should both probably get back to work," said Rafael, standing up and collecting his coffee and briefcase.

"Are you coming back to the precinct?"

"No, no. I'm not ready for this right now. Plus, I actually do have legitimate work to do. Once again, I can't stress this enough, no one can know about this. No one."

"Relax, relax. I won't say anything. Not even to Amanda. It's going to be tough, but I'll manage."

"Thank you," said Rafael, feeling awkward again. "Really, thank you for listening to me. I know this is ridiculously juvenile."

"Nah, it's not juvenile. It's life, Barba! By the way, how did I do?"

"How did you… do?"

"Advice wise? Did I do a good job?"

Rafael sighed. In some ways, Carisi was like a puppy. He always wanted approval, a pat on the head or a gold star. "You were fine," said Rafael. "Your discretion will be even better."

After a long and tedious work day, Rafael slowly made his way to the precinct. Fin and Rollins were still at their computers. Mercifully, Carisi was nowhere to be seen. Rafael wasn't sure he would be able to look him in the eye.

"Welcome back, Barba," said Fin. "Are you looking for Liv?"

Had Carisi said something to him? No, Fin was probably just asking that because he had been here earlier looking for Olivia. "Yes, is she here?"

"She's in her office but I don't think she's busy."

Rafael glanced at Detective Rollins. She hadn't even looked up for her computer. He studied her for a clue as to whether Carisi had said anything to her, but she seemed engrossed in her work.

"Okay, well then I guess I'll just go… talk to her. Since she's free." ' _Why must I sound like a person who is just learning to speak to other humans?'_ Rafael thought to himself. He was not without fault, but usually a lack of eloquence was not one of his shortcomings. Taking a deep breath, he walked slowly to her office and rapped on the open door. "Hey," he said, smiling slightly.

"Hi, Rafa," she said, standing up quickly. "I was just thinking about you."

"Same. I mean, obviously. That's why I came." _'When in doubt, just stop talking.'_ Rafael silently ordered himself. He closed the door lightly behind him.

"How was your day?" she asked, in what Rafael noticed was a slightly more formal tone than usual.

"It was fine. Pretty slow since a lot of people are out of town. But to be honest, I didn't come by to talk about work."

"I didn't think so," said Olivia, seating herself on top of her desk and facing him.

"Look, I don't know how to say any of this or if I even should, so I'm just going to say it all at once and hope for the best. That kiss… I wasn't expecting to do it at that moment. But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it before. There are so many issues and potential conflicts that could arise from this situation but the first and most important one, to me, is that you are my best friend. I don't want to jeopardize that, but at the same time I don't feel right about pretending I don't feel the way I feel." He took a deep breath. "You make me feel alive, Olivia. I didn't know I could feel that way again. But when I'm with you, that's the only word for how I feel. Alive."

Olivia put her hand in front of her mouth. "Rafa, I… I don't know what to say."

"Well, you don't have to say anything. If that kiss is all that can ever happen between us, and we go on being good friends, I will accept that gladly. But if you have been feeling even a fraction of what I have been feeling, then I don't want to write it all off just because we might face challenges."

She nodded. "So, what do you propose we do?"

"Olivia Benson, I would like to take you out on a date. A real date. Not after-work drinks, not street-cart food during breaks, but an honest-to-goodness night out."

Olivia was silent for what felt like an hour but was probably only around ten seconds. "You know, Rafael, that's probably not a good idea."

Rafael's heart sank, but he tried to keep a neutral expression on his face as he nodded. "I understand."

"But that being said, my answer is yes."

Rafael was thrown for a second. "Wait, so you're saying yes? But, you just said it wasn't a good idea."

"It's not," she said, shrugging helplessly. "And yet, here we are."

"Okay," he said, his face lighting up into a smile against his will. "Okay, then. Well, do you have anything in particular you would like to do?"

"Surprise me," she said, returning his smile.

"Wow, okay," he said, running his hands through his hair nervously. "I have to say, this was easier than I thought it would be."

"I did some thinking after you left, and over Christmas. To be honest, I hardly thought of anything else. But I sort of arrived at the same place that you did. We're not horny teenagers; this didn't come from nowhere, and, well, we only live once. I feel like we sort of owe it to ourselves to see what's there."

"I'm glad you feel that way," said Rafael. He picked up his briefcase again. "Well, I won't keep you. Plus, I have to get to work putting together a special evening for an incredible lady." He smiled and met her gaze. "Good night, Liv."

He turned around and opened the door. As he did he heard Liv get up from the desk.

"Oh, Raf," she said, putting her hand on his arm. He turned back toward her. "If I'm being completely honest, I did have one regret about Christmas night."

"What was that?" he asked, feeling nervous again.

"It's that I let you walk out the door, instead of doing this." She took his hand off the knob, shut the door firmly and clicked the lock. Leaning over, she closed the blinds on her office windows, gripped his collar in her hands, pulled him toward her and kissed him.

For a moment, Rafael was too stunned to react. That moment passed quickly. He dropped his briefcase and slipped his hands underneath her suit jacket, his tongue seeking out hers as he ran his hands along her back and waist. She shoved his jacket off and wove her hands behind his neck, kissing him harder and deeper.

"You regretted not doing this?" he murmured as he moved his kisses down her neck and along her collar bone.

"All night. I was tossing and turning," she whispered breathily into his hair.

"So was I," he said. "I stood outside your building for ten minutes, debating whether or not to go back in."

Olivia pulled back, her hands still on his cheeks, and looked into his eyes. "It sounds strange to say, because you had only just left, but I missed you. You had only been gone a few minutes, but I wanted you back. My apartment felt lonely without you there."

He smiled. "I'm here now."

"Yes, you are," she whispered. She slipped her jacket off and tossed it on her desk. Then she moved backward toward her desk, leading him over by his tie, until she was perched on top and he was standing before her. "Now, where were we?"

Rafael leaned down and kissed her again, moving from her lips, to her neck, back to her lips and up the side of her face to her ears. She deftly unbuttoned his shirt and ran her hands all over his upper body, and she circled her legs around him urgently as he gently kissed her ear and grazed his tongue along the side of her earlobe. She moaned softly, and her hands landed on his belt buckle. Before she could go any further there was a sharp rap on her door.

"Hey Liv, you got a sec?" It was Fin.

"Oh Christ," she whispered, leaping off the desk and grabbing her jacket. She pulled it on quickly. "Yeah, sure Fin, hang on."

The door knob jiggled. "Liv, your door's locked. What the hell?"

"Hang on!" she yelled, as Rafael tried to tuck in and unbutton his shirt as quickly as he could.

"We don't have time," hissed Olivia as she tried to fix her hair.

"Well what do you want me to do then?" he whispered back.

"For God's sake, here," she said, shoving his briefcase into his arms. "I'm sorry about this in advance." Then she guided him toward her coat closet, opened the door and gently pushed him in, closing it behind her.

' _This isn't happening,"_ said Rafael, as he sat on a little shelf and fixed his clothes. ' _I'm a New York City Assistant District Attorney, not a teenager hiding from his girlfriend's dad on prom night.'_ As he straightened his suspenders, he heard Olivia open the door and Fin came in.

"Liv, I just wanted to let you know I'm taking off for the day. I spoke to Rollins about…" he stopped abruptly. "Wait, wasn't Barba in here?"

"Um, yes, he was. He left," said Olivia.

"I didn't see him leave. Did he teleport or something?"

"Maybe he went out another way," said Olivia.

"What other way?"

Rafael shook his head. Olivia sounded flustered. How could such a savvy detective be such a bad liar in her personal life? "I don't know, Fin, okay? I don't know where he went. I just know that he left. I'm not his babysitter."

"Well, he came to see you this morning and it seemed important. Did you two have some kind of fight? I know he can be a pain in the ass."

" _Gee, thanks Fin,"_ thought Rafael, rolling his eyes.

"No, we did not have a fight. I'm not even honestly sure why we're still talking about him. What were you saying about Rollins?"

"Oh, I spoke to her about the case from earlier today and she is going to stay a little longer to dig through the guy's digital footprint. I offered to help but she said she's got it."

"Great, that's fine. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm heading out in a few myself."

"Night Liv."

A few moments later the door creaked open. Olivia was standing apologetically in the doorway.

"Just so you know, these were not my proudest five minutes," said Rafael.

"I'm so sorry," she said, laughing. "But you were too disheveled. I just couldn't let Fin see you that way. He would have known what we were doing in a heartbeat. Anyway, it's just as well that he came by. We need to save something for our date night, after all," she said with a teasing smile.

Rafael returned her smile. "This Friday?"

"Sounds perfect. I'll ask Amanda if maybe she can take Noah for the evening. I'm trying to get him and Jessie to have more playdates. Plus, she owes me. I kept Jessie for a night while she went out with some guy not too long ago. Single moms help each other out!"

"I didn't know Rollins was seeing someone."

"I don't know that she is. It was a couple of weeks ago and just that one time that I know of. Anyway, that's beside the point. I'm sure she won't mind. And if she's busy, I'll try Lucy. We'll figure it out."

"Yes, we will," said Rafael, leaning over and kissing her gently on the cheek. "Good night, Liv. By the way, _is_ there another way to go out? Because if Rollins is still out there, and she mentions to Fin that I came from your office…"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Just say you were in the restroom or something. This might come as a shock to you, Mr. Barba, but you're not the sole topic of conversation around here."

"Only when I'm a pain in the ass?" he said. Olivia laughed.

"Goodbye," she said, handing him his jacket.

Collecting his things, Rafael left the office. Rollins was just getting up and heading toward a copy machine, so he took that opportunity to dart past her while her back was turned and quickly slipped on to the elevator. On the whole, he decided, this was not his most dignified day. But he couldn't help but smile when he thought the feel of Olivia's lips, of her hands on his body, and, most importantly, of Friday's importance. He was going to do everything in his power to make this night perfect. Rafael briefly considered calling Carisi, to update him on how things went, but just as quickly decided against it. Carisi was already far more involved than Rafael had ever wanted, and he still was not entirely convinced that he hadn't told Rollins.

But that was irrelevant right now, and as Rafael Barba waved down a cab he smiled to himself, knowing that the only person he really wanted to share this momentous news with already knew. And if her actions today were any indication, she might just be almost as excited as he was!


	3. Chapter 3

This Is Their Story, Part 3

Olivia glanced at herself in the mirror of her office and decided she looked presentable. She couldn't go out and face Rollins with smudged lipstick and messy hair. Packing up her things, she headed out and sat in the chair next to Rollins's desk.

"Amanda, I need to ask you a favor," she said.

"Sure Liv, what's up?" Amanda paused the video on her screen and swiveled toward her.

"Please don't feel any obligation, but if you don't have plans on Friday would you be able to watch Noah? I figured he and Jessie might enjoy a play date?"

"Sure! Hot date?" said Amanda, smiling.

"Actually, you could say that," said Olivia, her cheeks reddening slightly.

"Wow, good for you!" said Amanda, tapping her lightly on the arm. "Do you want me to keep him for the night? You could pick him up in the morning."

"That would be wonderful, if you don't mind. But as I said, there is no pressure. I know it's a Friday night so if you have other plans I would completely understand."

"No, Liv, it's fine. Jessie and I will have a blast with Noah. I'm happy for you. I know things have been tough these past few months. Can you tell me about the lucky guy?"

Olivia hesitated. Should she tell Amanda? _No,_ she decided. Too soon. "He's handsome, he's very smart, and he seems… exciting."

Amanda clapped her hands. "Well, I'll come by and pick Noah up after work on Friday. Maybe I can help you get ready! Or is that too girly? Sorry, I get excited."

"You know, that might not be the worst idea. It has been awhile since I've gone out with a guy. I could use another set of eyes."

The week crawled by, with Olivia and Rafael only talking about work-related issues, and only when necessary. It felt strange, and extremely conspicuous. But if anyone at the precinct suspected anything was amiss, they didn't show it. On Friday after work, Olivia hurried home and tossed various articles of clothing onto her bed, so she and Rollins would have some things to look through. Then she sat with Noah for a bit, reading to him and spending as much time as possible with him before Amanda arrived. When the doorbell rang Olivia rushed to answer it. Amanda and Jessie came in, smiling. "Hey Liv! Jessie is so excited for her playdate with Noah!"

"Noah hasn't been able to talk about anything else," said Olivia. "Why don't you get them settled in the play area and you and I can dig through my closet. Most of my clothes are more business-like than night-on-the-town type ensembles."

"We'll figure something out," said Amanda, sitting on Olivia's bed and glancing through some of dresses that had been tossed there. "So where are you going tonight?"

"Dinner and then something else. He didn't say what. It's a surprise."

"No fair! Then you don't know the right thing to wear. Why do guys do things like that?"

"I don't know, but he flat out refused to tell me."

From elsewhere on the bed, Olivia's phone started to vibrate. Amanda whirled around. "Well maybe that's him and you can wrangle a clue out of him." She glanced at the phone. "Oh, it's just Barba. Want me to get rid of him so you can keep looking?"

"No!" exclaimed Olivia, so loudly that Amanda jumped. "Sorry, that came out louder than I intended. I'll deal with him." Taking the phone from Amanda's hand she clicked it on. "Hi, Barba," she said, sounding curt and business-like.

"Um, hi Liv. Is everything all right?"

"Everything's fine. Amanda's here. Noah and Jessie are having a playdate tonight."

"Oh, I see. Well I was just calling to let you know that I will stop by and get you at 7:30 if that still works for you."

"Yes, yes, that's fine. Is that all?"

Rafael was quiet. "Are you sure everything is okay?"

"Well, since you asked, Amanda is here because I have a date tonight and the guy won't tell me where we're going so I don't know what to wear. It's a little annoying, truthfully."

Rafael laughed. "I'm sure whatever you wear will be fine."

"Well thank you for that, but I really have to go. We'll talk about this on Monday." She clicked the phone off and set it on her nightstand. "Sorry about that."

"What did he want?"

"Oh, you know, he had some question that could have easily waited until Monday. No big deal. So, should I go with the black dress?" Olivia asked, holding up one of her favorites.

Amanda tilted her head, considering. "It's beautiful, but I think you should go with red. A nice, bright red like this. Plus, it's silky. He'll want to rub his hands all over it."

Olivia smiled, thinking of Rafael's hands all over her in her office. "I'm sold," she said, taking it and holding it in front of her in the mirror. "Let me try it on with these ruby earrings. And then I'm sure you'll want to be on your way. What are your plans for the kiddos?" she asked as she stepped into the bathroom to change.

"Jessie and I are going to be watching Mulan. That's the only Disney princess I'm currently letting her get into, because she's a badass. And we'll probably be having spaghetti or something simple, if that's okay."

"Sure, sure, whatever you want. I can't thank you enough for taking care of him tonight."

"It's the least I can do. You did it for me."

"How are things going with that, anyway? You had me watch Jessie and then I never heard anything else. Did the date go well?"

Amanda hesitated. "Yes, things are going great. We don't need the baby sitter too often. He's really good with Jessie. I was really worried when I decided to go it alone as a mom that it would be hard to find someone who could handle taking on a whole family, but it turns out for the right guy… it's not an obstacle."

Olivia thought of Rafael kneeling on the floor with Noah, playing the Spanish games on the little toy tablet. She thought of Noah's drawing. Strange as the concept of the drawing was, he must really like Rafael to think of drawing a picture for him at school. As she slipped into her heels, she felt some of her nervousness start to dissipate.

"What do you think?" she asked, coming out and spreading her arms. "Too young looking?"

Amanda smiled. "No, Liv. It's perfect. It is elegant _and_ sexy. This is going to be one lucky guy!"

"What you said about a family not being an obstacle for the right guy… I really think you're right. Tucker and I had a decent thing going, but I can't help but wonder if it all got to be too much for him. I just feel like with this guy, things could be different."

"Well, you have great instincts." Amanda squeezed her hand encouragingly.

"You know, Amanda…" Olivia began. "I don't know if I ever said this, but I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to you when you started. I had gone through so much, with Elliot leaving. And then you and Nick came, and I felt like…"

"Stop," said Amanda firmly. "We're cops. That's not how we roll. You didn't want some overeager girl from Georgia waltzing in and thinking she was going to replace Stabler. I get it. I never resented you for any of that. So don't even think about it. Especially not tonight." Amanda stood up. "I'm going to round up the kids. You look gorgeous. This guy won't know what hit him. What does he do, by the way?"

"Hmmm. Oh, he's a… he's a lawyer," said Olivia, vaguely, brushing her face with some pale blush.

"You don't get your fill of that at work?" said Amanda, rolling her eyes.

"Apparently not," said Olivia, closing her compact and smiling.

"All right, we'll get out of your hair. Have fun. And don't do anything I wouldn't do. Which, y'know, doesn't rule out much!"

Olivia laughed, hugged Noah and Jessie goodbye and then stood in her empty apartment in an echoing silence. She had over an hour to kill and no idea what to do with that time. She decided she would allow herself one pre-date drink to ease her nerves and watched some old Seinfeld reruns while she sipped it. Time was going so slowly she felt as though it were truly moving backwards. But there was nothing to do but wait.

Amanda Rollins parked Jessie and Noah in front of the television, hit play on Mulan, and poured two big glasses of Chianti. She had no sooner taken a sip when she heard a key in the lock. She grabbed the other glass and headed for the door.

"I come bearing groceries," said Sonny, holding two bags from Whole Foods. "Spaghetti and Meatballs sound okay?"

"Sounds perfect," she said, taking one of the bags and exchanging it for a glass of Chianti. "Cheers," she said as they clinked glasses.

They went into the kitchen while the kids watched the movie. Sonny started the process of putting together his famous marinara sauce. Amanda wrapped her arms around his waist as he minced up a clove of garlic.

"You never look as handsome as you do when you're chopping veggies in my kitchen," said Amanda, kissing his shoulder softly.

"Yeah, yeah. You know you don't need to butter me up. I'll cook for you anyway."

"I know. That's how you can tell I mean it."

He set down the knife, turned to face her and kissed her gently on the forehead. "I know you do."

"Before I left with Noah, I helped Liv pick out her dress for tonight. She's really excited. I just hope this guy is good enough for her. She's been through so much with Sheila and Noah, and with Dodds on her case and the Tucker thing falling through… she needs some happiness. Some peace."

"I'm sure she'll be fine," said Sonny, turning back to the garlic and tomatoes. "She's not gonna go out with some loser."

"I don't know, I just feel like she seemed really nervous for a first date. This guy must mean a lot to her."

Sonny smiled. "That's good to know."

Rollins raised her eyebrows and tried to turn him around again. "Why? Why is that good to know?"

"No reason."

"Well, that was a really weird thing to say."

"What can I tell you? I'm a weird guy. Anyway, don't read into it. I don't even know what I'm talking about."

"Shocker. Anyway, I hope it works out for her because eventually we are going to have to tell her about this," said Rollins, pulling the chain around her neck out from behind her shirt. The shiny diamond on the simple white-gold band caught the light from the kitchen lamp. "I'm getting a little tired of wearing this around my neck. I want to rock it on my finger where other girls can see it and be jealous."

"Like you hang out with any girls," said Sonny, tossing the garlic and tomatoes into a pot. "Anyway, we'll tell her. We just have to find the right time."

"She'll probably be pissed off at us."

Sonny turned around again, his arms folded. "I don't know. I think she'll forgive us."

"She's not big on intra-office romance. She made a big deal over the fact that she and Tucker never technically worked together."

"Yeah, I know. But I just have a feeling she'll be okay with it."

Amanda sighed, wrapped her arms around Sonny's neck and gave him a soft kiss on the mouth. "I hope you're right. Either way, I am so lucky to have you."

Sonny smiled and nodded toward the living room. "You know, I kind of like the way this apartment looks with two kids in it."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," said Rollins with a smile. "Get back to the food!"

"Fine, fine," said Sonny, shaking his head and returning to the meal. Amanda took her wine and sat in a chair in the living room while the kids watched the movie. She gave a small sigh of contentment and hoped that whatever Olivia was doing and whoever she was with, she was feeling even half as happy as Amanda was right now.

At 7:30 on the dot, Rafael knocked at Olivia's door. She opened it up and let him in. He glanced at her up and down and Olivia felt herself blush self-consciously.

"Wow. You look incredible. I mean, you always look beautiful. But tonight, you look…" he didn't finish the sentence, but he smiled and took her hand.

"You don't look so bad yourself. Although you always manage to look very dashing." Olivia picked up her purse. "Now that you're here, can you tell me the plan for tonight? Or at least tell me if I'm appropriately dressed?"

"I figured we would start with dinner at my favorite restaurant in the city," said Rafael as Olivia locked the door behind them. "And then, there's this little place in the village that I've been once or twice that I thought you might like."

"What kind of place?" asked Olivia, suspiciously.

"It's a Mexican restaurant, but on Friday nights it becomes a salsa dance club."

"Rafael, no!" said Olivia, smiling. "I'm a terrible dancer and that is _not_ the first impression I want to make."

"First of all, my first impression of you was formed long ago. Second, we'll get a few drinks in you and you'll be fine. Salsa is easy."

"For you!" she said, smacking him lightly with her purse. "You've been doing it your whole life."

"Relax, you'll be fine. Don't think about it. We have a great dinner ahead of us first."

As they waited for appetizers, Olivia and Rafael awkwardly fiddled with their napkins and looked around. Olivia felt the silence like a dead weight. The two of them normally couldn't shut up around each other and now they were sitting like two awkward strangers on a blind date.

"So, Rafa," she said, and he jerked his head up as though she had startled him. "We can skip the usual first date chatter. Jobs, hobbies, where we're from, we know all that. What I don't know, however, is about your most recent relationships. You've always been pretty close to the vest about your personal life, at least in that regard."

"I guess that's true," he said, taking a sip of wine. "What is it you want to know?"

"When was your last real relationship?" she asked.

Rafael sighed. "Real relationship…. I don't know, I guess about three years ago. But it was only about nine months long. I haven't really had a lot of time for serious dating. My longest adult relationship was at Harvard Law. I went out with a girl therefor almost the full three years."

"Why did you break up?" asked Olivia.

"She wanted to get married. I didn't. It became a problem."

"I guess that would be a problem," Olivia said with a laugh. "Why didn't you want to get married?"

"I might not have been opposed to marriage in particular, but I knew she really wanted children and I didn't."

"Oh," said Olivia. She thought uneasily of Noah, and what Rollins had said about a child not being an obstacle for the right man. She glanced up at Rafael and he was looking at her with a knowing smile.

"I never thought I would be a good father. I didn't have a good example of one at home. Plus, I was goal-oriented. Ambitious. I didn't want to do something so important half-heartedly. But spending time with Noah… I know it's not the same as being a father. But it made me think, maybe I sold myself a little short. Maybe I could have done it."

"Still, it's a lot to ask of a man. To take on responsibility for someone else's child."

Rafael took a deep breath. "We don't have to have this conversation now. This is a first date. But if you're wondering if Noah is an obstacle to us having a successful relationship, the answer is a definite no. You are a phenomenal mother, and if you were to raise Noah by yourself for the long haul he would still be a very lucky kid. But whatever role you want me to have in his life, I would gladly fill."

Olivia felt that same, warm feeling that she had felt on the couch on Christmas Eve. "I've gone out with lots of guys, Rafa. But that might be the most romantic thing anyone ever said to me."

Rafael smiled and reached over to squeeze her hand. "It's the truth."

Their appetizers arrived shortly. "So, what about you?" asked Rafael. "You wanted to know about my relationships. Tell me about yours."

"You knew a lot of the big ones. Cassidy, Tucker."

Rafael made a face. "Yeah. Tucker."

"Oh come on, he's not that bad."

"I strongly dislike him. But that's neither here nor there. Have you ever been in love? Really in love?"

Olivia hesitated. "Yes, once," she said, twirling salad greens around on her plate.

"Not Tucker, please," said Rafael.

"No, not Tucker," said Olivia, smiling and rolling her eyes. "He's not as bad as you think, and I cared for him a great deal, but I can't say I was in love with him."

"Then who?"

"Elliot," she said with a sigh. "I was in love with Elliot. It's strange to say it out loud. I was never willing to admit it, even to myself."

"But he was married right?"

"Yeah, he was. With five children. Trust me, I would never have acted on it. He had a family, and family is…. sacred. Even when he was separated from his wife I couldn't make that move and be the person who kept his family split apart. I lived with those feelings, and the knowledge that they were a dead end, for years. And I could have dealt with that. What really threw me was not that he didn't reciprocate my romantic feelings. It was that he apparently did not even reciprocate my friendship. I couldn't believe that after all those years, after everything we had been through together, he wouldn't even return my phone calls. He just wrote me out of his life completely, as if I had never existed. I could never have done that to him."

"You felt abandoned," said Rafael.

"Absolutely. I felt that if he could abandon me, could cut me off like that, anyone could. It took me years to be able to trust almost anyone again. In fact, I don't think I _did_ trust anyone fully again until…" Olivia trailed off.

"Until what?" asked Rafael.

"Honestly? Until you. Not right away, of course. And it's a different dynamic, so it's not a perfect parallel. But that level of openness and trust, I have only felt with two people. Elliot, and you."

Rafael held her gaze as the waiter cleared the appetizer plates. "If you're trying to get me to skip the dancing and go straight home for the nightcap, you are making a strong case."

"Oh I don't know, Raf. Maybe we should take things at least a little slow," said Olivia, teasingly.

Rafael nodded. "We can take things as slow as you want. But if you were trying to cool things off, I don't think that was the right choice of dresses."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Oh, are you a fan of the dress?"

"I've been watching you sit there sipping your wine and all I want to do is run my hands over it. And under it."

"Well, thank you Amanda!"

"Amanda…?"

"She is the one who picked it out. I was going to go in another direction."

"Oh, that's right. She was there when I called. Did you tell her about… this?"

Olivia shook her head. "Not exactly. I told her I had a date. She asked what my date did for a living and I said he was a lawyer. I couldn't think of a good lie in time. But she didn't seem suspicious or anything. I won't say a word about any of this until we know for ourselves what is going on."

Toward the end of dinner, as Rafael reached into his wallet for a credit card to pay the bill, Olivia leaned forward.

"Before we leave, can I just say one thing?"

"Of course," said Rafael, although he looked nervous.

"This has been wonderful so far. I love talking to you, I love spending time with you, and I love, _love,_ kissing you. But as I said before, after Elliot disappeared on me, it took me a long time to be able to be open with someone again. If this thing between us doesn't really go anywhere, or if it doesn't get off the ground… I can't lose this friendship. I can't lose you. So, I need you to make me a promise."

"Okay," said Rafael, slowly.

"I need you to promise me that no matter what happens, our friendship will survive intact. That we won't cut each other off. If we can't make that promise, then I don't think we can do this."

Rafael stood up and helped her into her coat. Then he put his hands on her shoulders. "If things don't work out for any reason, it doesn't matter. You are stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia felt her whole being relax. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her cheek against his. The smell of his cologne and the feeling of his hand on her back was familiar and reassuring. Then she pulled back and looked him in the eye. "For you, Rafael Barba, I will even try dancing."

His eyes lit up. "Let's go."

The Mexican restaurant was dark, crowded and loud, but Olivia liked it that way. It made her feel less conspicuous. Rafael grabbed two tequila shots from the bar. "We don't have to dive in right away," he said. "Have another drink, loosen up."

Olivia downed the shot and thumped the glass down on the high-top table. "No, I think this needs to be like ripping off a Band-Aid. If I'm going to do this I need to start now. Not after I have watched a hundred people swing by my who are far superior dancers to me."

"I wasn't the best dancer in my family either. It's all about letting go and enjoying yourself. Now come on, it's just me. Let's go!" He held out his hand to her and she took it warily. He led her onto the dance floor, wrapped one hand around her waist and held the other tightly.

No matter what he said, he was a good dancer. Olivia could barely keep up at first, but as time wore on she realized she didn't care. No one was really looking at her. Or if they were, it wasn't with contempt or ridicule. The music kept going and Olivia felt almost giddy with the feeling of tequila going through her, the energy from the dance floor, and Rafael's hands on her body.

She squeezed his shoulder as they danced. It was funny to see him so uninhibited. They would dance a few songs, then grab a drink for a break, and then return to the dance floor. Olivia couldn't remember a time when she had felt so relaxed and comfortable with anyone. When they paused for a drink, an older Latina woman stopped next to Olivia and tapped her on the arm.

"Excuse me, but would you mind if I took your young man out for a little dance. My husband is too old for this. He took me here, but two dances and he's done for."

Olivia looked in the direction the woman gestured and saw an older man sitting at a table drinking a beer and looking exhausted. She laughed and nodded. "If he's up for it, he's all yours."

Rafael smiled. "It would be my pleasure," he said, as the lady linked his arm. Olivia took her glass over to where the man was sitting and introduced herself to him. He introduced himself as Mr. Rodriguez.

"My wife loves to dance," said Mr. Rodriguez. "I'll be honest, I don't know how she still has the energy."

"Do you like dancing?" asked Olivia.

"It's okay. But I do it for her. Someday I won't be able to. Some day she won't be able to. That's life. I may not love it, but while I can do it for her I'll take her."

Olivia smiled and looked out at Rafael and Mrs. Rodriguez on the dance floor. Her heart melted. A million potential futures flashed before her eyes. When the song was over, Rafael and the older woman returned.

"Thank you, Miss. You have yourself a wonderful young man here."

"He's okay," said Olivia, smiling at Rafael. They said goodbye to the couple and Olivia took Rafael's hand. "We need to get out of here."

"You tired of dancing? Don't worry, you were doing very well."

"That's not it," said Olivia, pulling him close to her and leaning her face against his.

"Is everything okay?" Rafael looked slightly concerned.

"Everything is great," said Olivia. "I want you to take me home."

For a moment Rafael looked confused. Then he swallowed slowly, his arms still wrapped around her waist. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure," she whispered in his ear. "Take me home."

Rafael leaned over and kissed her on the lips. Once, twice, and then one long, slow kiss that seemed to last forever. Finally, he grabbed her hand and dragged her laughing onto the sidewalk outside the bar. He waved for a cab and Olivia quickly checked her phone to make sure there were no texts from Rollins about Noah. Everything was fine. A cab pulled up and Rafael held the door for her and gave her address to the cab driver. Then he put his arm around her and held her close. Olivia leaned her head on his chest, soaking up the warmth of his embrace and the feeling of his heart beating against her. She couldn't wait to get home.


End file.
